does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
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Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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