Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
zippers are such a cool invention
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
