Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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