I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
