It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
