So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
