so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
