I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
