I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
