Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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