i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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