You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
