I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
