You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
