So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
