Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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