You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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