the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
