did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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