I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
this just has baby written all over it
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
