I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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