i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
