I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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