I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
