he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
