I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
