I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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