Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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