the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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