why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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