Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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