why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
