I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
