paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
