Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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