I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
