how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
