I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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