Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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