I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I want to fling myself into the sun
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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