my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
