i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
