Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
