There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
