You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
