New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
