I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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