Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
