Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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