you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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