he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I need a burrito and a hug.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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