apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
