I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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