can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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