I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
