Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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