You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
